body language

By the Father and the Son

by

How Listening with My Eyes Led to A Serendipitous Reunion with My Son.

By David M. Schneer, Ph.D./CEO

6-Minute Read

I am a behavioral scientist; I get paid to observe how people act and try to understand their motivations.

I am also a father, and, until very recently, a poor listener. Let me explain.

The father-son relationship is often complicated and conflicted. This narrative is as old as the Bible. Of course, Christian theism is grounded on the importance of the Trinity—The Triune Godhead of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit.

But a deeper look reveals that the words “father(*)” and “son(*)” appear in the Bible together 886 times, 761 times in the Old Testament and 125 times in the New Testament. The graph of the appearance of the words looks like this:

The graph itself looks conflicted. The juxtaposition of these two words often describes conflict, but not always. Some of the more notable father-son conflicts include, but are not limited to, The Prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32; King David and his son Absalom in 2 Samuel 15-18; Jacob and sons in Genesis 37. And there are more examples.[1]

The Quran also mentions father-son conflicts in Surah Al-Ankabut (29:8; obey your father) and Al-Luqman (31:14; be good to your parents).[2]

So it is in the secular world. There are boundless examples of father-son conflicts in Modern American literature (1900-1945). Faulkner wrote extensively about this topic in several of his works including, but not limited to; “Barn Burning’’ and “Absolom-Absolom”.[3] However, other contemporaries of Faulkner wrote about the topic too (cf., Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Hughes, Miller, Steinbeck, and White).

American writers of the modern era also have a lot to say about the father-son relationship (cf., Diaz, McCarthy, Chabon, Franzen, Lahiri, Saienz, and Ward).

Lest we forget our European writers, here is a short list of notable father-son conflicts penned by this group (cf., Camus, Dostoevsky, Kafka, Ibsen, Joyce, and Werfel). English authors also weigh in on the subject (cf. Barnes, Dickens, Fowels, Ishiguro, Lawrence, and, of course, Shakespeare).

Historically, it would seem, the father-son relationship appears to be doomed.

To wit, I had my share of conflicts with my father. When I was born in Staten Island, New York he sat in the parking lot and drank a six-pack of beer with his dad in the car. Not that this was a precursor to conflict, but when my son was born, I was in the delivery room. But we had conflicts too.

Over the years, our relationship dynamic changed, we became estranged, and my son and I drifted apart. Somewhere along his path, Michael developed a vision, a yearning to be creative, and a place where he could belong. And I missed it.

That is until one day I just sat and listened—with my eyes.

I always knew that my son Michael had artistic talent. But I had no idea just how much until one day I watched as he described the power of his graphics software program and his prowess in manipulating it. He was so animated, punctuating the air with his hands as he spoke. His eyes were wide open, he was leaning in and smiling. I never saw him so throttled. He spoke and gesticulated as though the energy to do so came from deep within his soul.

“Yeah,” he said. “It can do motion capture, body positions, facial expressions and it is all FACS-based!” He exclaimed.

Suddenly, my head racked into full tilt like a wobbly pinball machine.

“What did you just say?” I asked.

“FACS?” He replied.

“Yes,” I cried. “You can do FACS?” FACS (Facial Action Coding System) was created to help with deception detection, but the rubric is also used in the movie industry by computer animators to create digital characters with real emotions. Law enforcement also uses it.

“Yes,” he replied.

“Okay,” I said. “Punch in AU=17D!”

After the clatter of a few keystrokes, the image below appeared:

The classical pout, and in the alphanumeric language of FACS, A.K.A. AU=17D. He beamed when it rendered. It was then that I could see that this was his calling.

This was a serendipitous confluence of two skills by the father and the son. My interpretation of body language positions melded with Michael’s ability to creatively render them into beautifully graphic expressions.

From then on, Michael would freshen up my antiquated body language content with the most brilliant depictions—slamming my brand back into the 21st Century. Also, his professional portfolio is rapidly growing.

But this is not about my brand or his portfolio. The pauses in our relationship due to conflict have dissipated. Now, we get to spend more time together discussing, creating, laughing, and, of course, just breaking bread.

Father and son celebrating another trip around the sun.

Now I am beaming that he has found his passion.

I never knew. Until one day I just listened—with my eyes.

Most communication is nonverbal. Are you fluent?

[1] All Christian Bible Verses are from The NASB Translation

[2] Quran Verses are from the A.Y. Ali Translation

[3] Reference Study Corgi. (2022, April 6). Father-Son Relationships in Barn Burning by William Faulkner. Retrieved from https://studycorgi.com/father-son-relationships-in-barn-burning-by-william-faulkner/

The Power Pose—Arms Akimbo.

by

Practical Applications for Body Language and the Emotional Indicators of Arms Akimbo

By David M. Schneer, Ph.D./CEO

4-Minute Read

Recently I wrote about the body language of legs apart and hooding as ways to make oneself look larger and hence, more important.

Here’s another posture called “Arms Akimbo”, and it is typically an indicator of confidence, dominance, power, or assertiveness. It looks like this:

If you want to test the power of this pose, do this: silently stand in front of a group of people and place your hands on your hips with your elbows pointing outwards. Pace a little. Chances are people will quiet down and pay attention.

Why? They’ve likely seen this power pose before. Perhaps first with a teacher or Principal at school or maybe later with police or military professionals. This stance is used to gain order and appear more “commanding.”

The Old Norse (North Germanic/Scandinavian dialect) language for “bent like a bow” is the word “akimbo”. Striking this pose is akin to an archer raising his bow in readiness. [1]

When I walk into a focus group or in-depth interview, I will adopt this pose so that the participants understand that I oversee the session.

However, in certain contexts, Arms Akimbo can convey different meanings. People will adopt this pose when they are:

  1. Frustrated: those whose progress has been thwarted in some way will adopt this stance in protest. This can be accompanied by scowls of anger or flashes contempt.
  2. Defensive: people who engage in arguments may strike this pose, again attempting to make themselves appear larger.
  3. Impatient: stand in line for a considerable period and you will see people adopt this pose to signal their impatience and perhaps to relieve the stress on their body.
  4. Intensely focused: When someone is intrigued, they will adopt this pose in response. Moreover, there is a variation of the Arms Akimbo that directly telegraphs a person’s interest. This is when a person puts their hands on their hips but has their thumbs pointing outwards. From the back, it looks like this:
  5. Trying to be Comfortable: Sometimes it just feels good to stand up and put your hands on your hips.

If you want to take command of a situation, you can adopt this pose and chances are people will fall in line.

Contact us for research or body language training.

Most communication is nonverbal. Are you Fluent?

[1]             Axtel, Roger. The Do’s and Taboos Around the Word. John Wiley & Sons, 1998, page. 28.

Are You Sitting Down for This?

by

Practical Applications for Body Language and the Emotional Indicators of Legs Apart

By David M. Schneer, Ph.D./CEO

4-Minute Read

How you sit can say a lot.

Earlier I wrote a blog on hooding (WHOSE THE BOSS?) explaining how people spread their arms to take up more space, thereby making themselves look larger.

Well, they can also do it with their legs, and it looks like this.

It’s long been known that those in power or with higher socio-economic stature have required more room. Review any episode of Game of Thrones and you will see, well, oversized royal seats. Some of these ceremonial chairs are cartoonishly large—an attempt to mirror the grandiose power of kings, queens, emperors, dictators, and religious leaders. Other thrones can be situated upon raised pedestals to render the leader on a “higher plane.“ [1]

That was the behavior of Kings and Queens. But what about today? Do these attempted territorial takeovers still exist? You bet they do. Regarding, today’s Royalty, look no further to Buckingham or Windsor Palace and you get my point. But this behavior is not just contained to Kings and Queens; the Titans of business are no “Tiny House” people. Take the corner office, for example. Typically, the offices on Mahogany Row are larger, on a higher floor, can have a nice view, and likely in the corner for more privacy.[2]

When you observe a person, whose legs are parted, they are subconsciously trying to convey superiority and or dominance; they are also conveying comfort. Men are more likely to adopt this pose.

However, the precise interpretation of this position can only be made in context. Context is to body language what location is to real estate. For example, a person may simply be sitting with their legs apart just because it feels good. Or they may be signaling openness.

Here are some possible interpretations of the legs wide-apart position.

  1. Self-Assurance: showing confidence and authority.
  2. Accessibility: legs wide apart can connote openness as if to say, “I’m not hiding anything.”
  3. Relaxation: people will sit in this position for no other reason than it is relaxing,
    comfortable and just feels good.
  4. Protection: In some cases, a person may feel threatened and adopt a wide, defensive position with open legs. Beware. This could be a precursor to aggressive behavior, especially if you see flared nostrils (oxygenation before physical activity) or clenched fists (anger). This would be a signal to back off.

I often see participants in my research studies who adopt the legs apart position. This is a clue to me that this person will likely be opinionated, confident, and, in some cases, hostile. In any event, I am prepared when I see this posture.

So should you.

Contact us for research or body language training.

Most communication is nonverbal. Are you Fluent?

[1]             Givens, David B.; White, John. The Routledge Dictionary of Nonverbal Communication (p. 47). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.

[2] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/202001/3-ways-physical-space-defines-power-in-relationships

Mirror-Mirror on the Wall

by

Practical Applications for Nonverbal Intelligence and the Emotional Indicators and Benefits of Mirroring

By David M. Schneer, Ph.D./CEO

4-Minute Read

ἴσος πρᾶξις These two words in Greek mean, literally, “same behavior”. Phonetically, it’s Isos Praxis and it is a critical part of nonverbal intelligence. Here’s why.

Mirror Neurons, Monkeys, and Babies

Found first in monkey brains, “Mirror neurons” are a special type of neuron that fire up when a person physically acts or when a person observes another person doing the same thing. [1]

If you have an infant child or grandchild, do this. Lean in and crack a big old smile. The baby’s mirror neurons will recognize your smile and the baby will mimic you. It happens the other way too, when a baby smiles at an adult who automatically smiles back. [2]

The Basics of Mirroring

Mirroring is a nonverbal way of building rapport, trust, and strengthening relationships. This is one of the reasons US Presidents invite dignitaries to Camp David, where they can stroll in unison among the peaceful grounds.

Walking is a wonderful way to mirror. You can see this in couples as they walk, or when they sit together, which looks like this:

When you meet someone for the first time, you can mirror their facial expressions, body positions, and even their tone of  voice. For example, if you are talking with someone and they suddenly cross their legs, you can do the same. Or, if suddenly the person with whom you’re talking leans in, so should you. Perhaps you’re talking with someone and they suddenly lower their voice. You should too. This is a nonverbal way of building rapport. And, of course, when you build rapport, you increase the chances of more effective communication.

If you are in a leadership position, the ability to mirror a subordinate shows empathy, a key character trait of effective leaders.

The Use of Mirroring in Research

During my interviews and even in focus groups I mirror with the respondents. This creates an atmosphere of psychological comfort and helps the respondent relax and speak their minds more effectively and candidly. However, it can backfire if I am too obvious, making me look insincere.

Learn to Mirror

You can learn to mirror too. At first, you can practice with someone you know preferably in front of a mirror (they tend not to lie).

Here are a few tips on how to mirror without appearing like a mocking mime.

  1. Observe carefully. So that you can determine how to mirror, you must be aware of the person’s posture.
  2. Practice “Active Listening”. Prepare for the conversation, silently observe verbal and non-verbal cues, and then provide feedback.
  3. Use Smooth and Subtle Gestures. When actively mirroring, avoid sudden, jerking movements.
  4. Pivot With the Context. That is, not all people or events are the same so levels of mirroring may vary.

Mirroring is one of the most important things you can do in a conversation. Learn to mirror and you will enhance your conversations and relationships with this technique.

Most Communication is Nonverbal. Are You Fluent?

[1] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3510904/#:~:text=Mirror%20neurons%20represent%20a%20distinctive,first%20discovered%20in%20monkey%27s%20brain.

[2]             Givens, David B.; White, John. The Routledge Dictionary of Nonverbal Communication. Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.

Who’s the Boss?

by

Practical Applications for Nonverbal Intelligence and the Indications of Hooding

By David M. Schneer, Ph.D./CEO

4-Minute Read

Let’s say you walk into a meeting with people you don’t know. How can you tell who’s the boss? Well, if one person is reclining in their chair with their fingers interlaced and hands clasped behind their head—forming a cobra-like “hood” with their elbows—that is a safe bet they are the boss. The cobra hood looks like this.

Human hooding looks like this!

What does this mean?

This is a position of confidence and surety. When someone clasps their hands behind their head with their elbows stretched out on both sides, the person is very sure of himself. Oftentimes, the person will also extend their legs on the table with the soles of their shoes showing. It looks like this.

This person is signaling that they are in charge and know better.

Moreover, subordinates can often be seen hooding but when the real boss comes in, they will drop their elbows and straighten up in a nanosecond.

This gesture can also be a form of pacification, as the position of the hands behind the head and clasped can be soothing.

When I conduct focus groups and I see a respondent hooding, my research antenna rises. This is a sign that this person will likely try to dominate the group, and it is my job to mitigate it. I can do this in several ways. I can ask the respondent to hold their thoughts so that others can speak first. Or I can simply periodically ignore them. Either way, when I see this gesture, I know I will be in for a challenge!

Contact us today to see how we can help you or your organization become proficient at finding out what people are really thinking when they communicate with you.

Most Communication is Nonverbal. Are You Fluent?

Holding the Ball

by

Practical Applications for Nonverbal Intelligence and the Emotional Indicators of Speaking with Your Hands

By David M. Schneer, Ph.D./CEO

4-Minute Read

If I told you that by simply holding a ball while you speak it would dramatically increase your communications effectiveness, you’d likely wonder about me. But it’s true. Stay with me.

When you see someone gesticulating with their hands, it is a reliable indicator that they are engaged, expressive, and interested. It almost seems as though they are drawing with their hands. It looks like this.

So, use your hands when you talk, especially in a job interview or in a presentation. Your hands have a language of their own.

But, back to the ball, forming a sphere with your hands as you speak helps to provide form around the words that come out of your mouth, thereby making them more credible. Steve Jobs was famous for this, so much so that body language pundits entitled this gesture, “Holding the Ball.”

The same with former President Bill Clinton. While running for Governor of Arkansas he had a horrible habit of flailing his arms around. But after some training, Clinton began to form a box with his hands as he spoke. As such, he became a much more effective communicator. Body language pundits nicknamed this gesture, “The Clinton Box.”[1]

And while we’re up, let’s talk about pointing. Nobody likes a finger pointed or wagged at them. This guy will make no friends as a “pointer.”

But this guy gets lots of attention.

He’s learned to blade, which is a less intrusive way to make a point.

So, stop pointing and learn to blade, hold the ball or draw the box.

Putting It All Together

When I interview people, this is one of the things I look for. Hand movements. Are the hands expressive, smooth, or inviting or, are they erratic, asymmetrical, or distracting? If the former, I am likely in for a good and productive interview with articulate answers. With the latter, it can be frustrating when a person cannot communicate their thoughts. Getting someone like this to talk can be a lot like dentistry, pulling one tooth at a time.

Contact us today to see how we can help you or your organization become proficient at finding out what people are really thinking when they communicate with you.

Most Communication is Nonverbal. Are You Fluent?